July 2010
1 post
Food Bites!: The Ten Worst Hamburgers in America! →
I’m back!! For the last four years I have been touring this great nation of ours in search of America’s worst burgers. “Horrible Hamburger College,” as it was known to my blog-fans, has finally come to an end and I am incredibly glad to be done with this horrific ordeal. I’m finally home,…
June 2009
2 posts
May 2009
2 posts
April 2009
9 posts
Facebook Postings Throughout History
WatchThe Dark Knight can only open himself up to one man. Himself.
G'bye, Childhood (house edition)
As I crawl through my 33rd year on this or any other planet, many things will happen to secure not only adulthood, but the death of my childhood (which has been on life-support for about 22 years).
One of the biggest blows to my childhood will be the sale of my parents’ house, the only home I ever knew and the only place I’ve ever celebrated Christmas. On our recent trip back, I...
When Will The Pirates Stop? →
Only a few days after the business with the hijacked American ship had come to an end, pirates struck again begging the question: how can we stop these scalawags at the source? The answer is simple: economics.
1) Cease the manufacturing of treasure chests. These pirates are seeking treasure, right? They have to put it somewhere. If we prohibit them from buying the newest, latest treasure chests,...
Snoop Dogg TV →
It’s exactly what you’d expect it to be.
March 2009
7 posts
The "Terminator Salvation" Dream I Had Last Night
Warning: MAJOR Spoilers ahead. If you plan on seeing my dream of this movie, then look away. We open in a west-coast suburban college campus. Our hero—played by “SNL’s” Andy Samberg—has just met his two new roommates (who may or may not have been played by his two other Lonely Island partners), and all these two guys want to go to the movies. Andy decides to stay...
Five Actors Who Always Play Dicks, But Are...
“Type casting” doesn’t begin to cover it. These are the five actors who might be nice guys in real life, but are always cast as big a-holes on screen.
Cam Gigandet
Maybe it’s his name. Or the fact that he does kind of look like a penis, but I’m sure the real-life Cam couldn’t possibly be as big of a jerk as the characters he’s played. He launched his...
February 2009
9 posts
Creepy ass doll
Gangsta Babies Benjino Doll
See more Gangsta baby dolls at:
http://www.entertainmentearth.com/hitlist.asp?theme=Gangsta+Babies
Temping
Book Report
I’m tired of getting hassled about all the books my friends are reading and recommending on GoodReads.com. It’s fine, you read. That’s great—but I’m feeling inadequate. I just read slow that’s all. So I offer the following book report on the lamest Batman comic I’ve ever read…
Coming at the height of the 100% neutered “Comic Book...
The "Travel" Channel
When did “The Travel Channel” turn into the “The Watch Guys Eat Tons of Disgusting Crap Channel”? Isn’t it supposed to be an entire network dedicated to the beauty of the world around us? Experiencing places we could never afford to go through the help of perky hosts? How about some shows featuring tropical paradise hotels or beaches with different colored sand, or even just footage of people...
Spam!
I currently have 456 spam e-mails in my e–mail inbox. And I have not replied to one. I feel terrible, these nice people are just trying to help me out and I’m ignoring them like a jerk! It’s not like I don’t have the time, I got the time. So here we go:
Dear Teresa Head,
Thank you for sending me your e-mail about Megadik. You’re right, I often hear “Damn it! Your penis is really tiny!”. And yes,...
Pink Panther 2
Does Steve Martin have a gambling problem? Is he paying for a secret family to go through college? Because, if he needs the money that badly, I want to help. I have no problem sending him all the extra money I have. I’ll even cancel HBO and Showtime. I don’t need to go Starbucks three times a a week. I’ll even steal internet from a neighbor. It’ll be slower, but it’s worth it. Because there...
Target Doomsday Saves You 10%
The following is a very near transcript of the adventure I had at Target: My wife Rachel and I are looking for an open lane. Target Check-Out Woman: Can I help you, sir? Me: Sure. TCOW: Would you be interested in saving 10% today by opening a Target Visa card? Me: We already have one, and we plan on saving 10%. TCOW: Great. She scans our stuff. One of the things is a Dirt Devil vacuum...
Every Superbowl Commercial--'09
Top that, ad execs.
January 2009
9 posts
Glasses Do Not Equal Smart
This is an unfair stereotype, and we want to see it end.
Both members of Superpunk (and therefore Superpunk as a whole) wear glasses, and neither of us are smart in the slightest, so stop asking us how to do things. Stop asking how to calculate a flight trajectorty, stop asking if we could run for class president, and stop asking us if we could calculate the tip. Just thrown down five bucks and...
Kidco. (1984)
I haven’t seen this comedy, but the DirectTV summary makes it look HILARIOUS!
“Adult competitors take a boy and his sisters to court for cornering the manure market.”
And it looks even more hilarious if you look at the plot summary on imdb…
“Kids who live on a horse ranch decide to sell the excess manure as fertilizer, but their new company soon comes under fire...
Crime Scene Tape
We bought some crime scene tape for a shoot we have, and the label has enlightened us.
This is a “Hilarious Joke Item” which is also classified as “Official Crime Scene Tape.” Apparently this is the same tape real policemen use for their pranks.
What pranks might those be? Look no further than the back of the label for a prank sampler…
Yes, just THINK of the...
The Pyramid of Lame
1) “Rockin’ Christmas Carols.” At their best, Christmas carols are sweet and sincere and sung by children. The closer you get to rock ‘n’ roll—gritty, dirty, sex-fueled rock ‘n’ roll—the more embarrassment there is to come.
2) “Ice Skating To AC/DC Songs.” Same thing as above. I just saw a guy (a National Championship skater, mind...
"Polar Express" Transcripts
Here now is a transcript of director Robert Zemeckis talking to his CGI team while making “The Polar Express”… Hey, CGI team. I have a couple notes. First, I want to make sure these kids almost adorable, but with dead eyes. Can you make sure they have dead eyes? When people just start to get won over by the sheer Christmas-ness of the story, I want them to look into these dead eyes and fall...
December 2008
14 posts
A Christmas Tale
As I was falling I knew it was going to be the worst Christmas ever. Damn this folded laundry and hot coffee. I slammed my head against each step. Not on purpose. Blood poured and sprayed simultaneously. The blood actually feels good against the scalding coffee. I can’t believe how long this stupid staircase is, what is this place a freaking southern mansion? Geeze, not even a landing? Ahh...
Holiday Grossness
The grossest sounding word I hear a lot during Christmas-time: nutmeg.
Becomes doubly gross if you know someone named Meg.
Also gross: Christmas Eve Cheese Barf Balls.
Superpunk's plan to save the economy!
First of all, Superpunk does not totally believe that there is a true economic downturn. They believe the fear of economic downturn is the problem. Therefore, here is our plan:
Next time you are buying something, for instance when you are in line at Ralph’s buying food say: “Hey, see this lunch meat here? It’s for a sandwich, for work. I just got a job! A great job. Recently!...
Weather
Rainy and 47 degrees in Southern California, a.k.a. “A Midwestern Spring.”
"Farce of the Penguins" imdb joke pooch.
Thanks to writer/director Bob Saget for not naming his cameo characters. Now I never have to see the movie, all of the hilarious jokes are right here on imdb.com…
James Belushi…They’re all bitches Penguin (voice)
Gilbert Gottfried…Freezing Nuts Penguin (voice)
Brie Larson…I need a Z-pack Penguin (voice)
David Koechner…Melvin (voice)
Lori...