Target Doomsday Saves You 10%
The following is a very near transcript of the adventure I had at Target:
My wife Rachel and I are looking for an open lane.
Target Check-Out Woman: Can I help you, sir?
Me: Sure.
TCOW: Would you be interested in saving 10% today by opening a Target Visa card?
Me: We already have one, and we plan on saving 10%.
TCOW: Great.
She scans our stuff. One of the things is a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner.
TCOW: You know I’ve got a great vacuum at home. It’s a Shopvac.
Me: (in my head) Like the industrial thing?
TCOW: It works great. Gets so much stuff up. I have long hair (beep, beep, she’s still scanning stuff), and it gets clogged in the bath drain. It would cost so much for plumbing, ‘cause I’ve got these long hairs.
Me & Rachel: Yeah? Okay. Etc.
TCOW: But this Shopvac is great. You should get one. At Costco. What are you getting here? A Dirt Devil. I’ve got a Shopvac.
At this point, I wondered if this was like the Target version of “Miracle on 34th Street,” where the Christmas spirit had infused all Target employees to tell people where the best deals were, even if it meant sending the business somewhere else.
TCOW: Yeah, the Shopvac’s great for my apartment.
Me: How big is it?
She made a circle with her hands, like she was hugging a “Biggest Loser” contestant on week 2.
TCOW: Works great. Only 80 or 90 dollars. Just great.
Rachel: Well… maybe when we have a bigger place.
TCOW: You should.
We pay for our stuff.
Then the TCOW leans in sort of close.
TCOW: Let me ask you a question. Which is bigger: the sun or the Earth.
Rachel & Me: …The Sun.
TCOW: Right! You see, there’s this planet outside of the orbit of Pluto and it’s on a path to hit Earth and destroy it in 2012. December 12, 2012. That’s “12/12/12.”
Rachel: …yeah.
Me: Well… then we won’t need the Shopvac!
TCOW: Okay. Take care.
We leave, pretending to be interested in our receipt but really wondering if that woman was speaking in code.
And that’s how it really happened.
