Book Report
I’m tired of getting hassled about all the books my friends are reading and recommending on GoodReads.com. It’s fine, you read. That’s great—but I’m feeling inadequate. I just read slow that’s all.
So I offer the following book report on the lamest Batman comic I’ve ever read…
Coming at the height of the 100% neutered “Comic Book Code” era known as the 1950s, we have a story concerning an amazing technological achievement. But how did such a magnificent machine come to be? Why was it ever deemed nessecary? Why would four TV cameras giving you simultaneous views of the same location at different heights help in the war against crime? All will be answered… NOW.
Page 1—Robin is immediately kidnapped by Gotham City gangsters and they immediately send an ultimatum to Batman. A novice gangster might hold him for randsom or—considering this is a 14-year-old kid who continually makes mince meat of your nefarious plans while wearing tiny green pants—you’d kill him.
But that’s what makes you a novice gangster and these guys The Pros.
(They never show how he signs his name, but I’m assuming the Gotham Courts would hold a signature of “Batman” in the highest regard).
See? These gangsters are smart. Instead of killing Robin, cutting Gotham City’s superhero population down a serious percentage, you use him as leverage against Batman. To keep him from setting foot in Gotham City.
For one week.
Uh-huh… yeah, smart.
These gangsters are both wily and reasonable. Batman’s lived his whole life in Gotham City. All his buddies are there, as well as his stuff—you can’t REALLY ask the guy to disappear forever. That would be crazy.
Batman agrees and for a little while, it’s bedlam. Crime runs rampant—it’s like Crime Mardi Gras (aka “Regular Mardi Gras”).
That is, until…
Wouldn’t a Flying Bat-Cave be handy regardless of the promise Batman made with the gangsters? And I don’t want to cast moral judgements here, but who cares if you lie to gangsters?
The answer to “Who cares?” is Batman.
This is where Batman proves you should always hire a good lawyer. One should never use any kind of slang term or relaxed language in a contract, especially one you’re signing with a dude in a cape. The technicalities are where deals collapse.
Batman’s logic is flawless and handy. Technically you didn’t cheat on your wife when you banged that hooker over spring break because you were in Athens, and your marraige is a legal contract in the United States. Technically global warming isn’t man made because we didn’t send humans into the atmosphere with knives to stab and kill the planet. You get the idea.
Robin’s concerns gets quickly answered in the following pages, where the Flying Batcave demonstrates its gun magnets, its giant magnifying glass for the TV screens (not a joke) and it’s diving gear (because—technically—swimming still isn’t “setting foot” anywhere, though this does assume that Batman stays out of the shallow end of the Gotham River).
Some gangsters think they catch a lucky break by having their criminal trials on the week Batman’s out of town. How could he possibly testify in court?
1) Notice the use of old-timey bolds and stage directions, such as “(Whisper).”
2) The TV looks like it’s sitting in an easy chair.
3)…
…Robin’s the camera man. Aww…
4) Concentrate on the testimony, Batman. We can tell you’re patting yourself on the back in your head—this is serious business!
Finally, the crime world realizes they should just shoot Batman’s Flying Bat-Cave out of the sky. It’s a perfect plan; If they blow him up, then he’s dead and out of their hair. If they don’t blow him up, then they can probably kidnap Alfred and force Batman to only ride a bicycle for a month or something. The rockets fire, the F.B.C. is badly damaged, giving Robin the perfect opportunity to voice anyone’s concerns.
I understand similar thoughts occurred to Captain Sullenberger when he had to land Flight 1549 the Hudson. “I could land this plane safely, but will I be breaking any outlandish promises I made to the city’s mobsters?”
The Caped Crusaders land on the rooftop, giving the gangsters a well-earned foot in the face. You’d think they’d be upset, but mob boss “Big Time” knows he’s had the truest last laugh. 
Sure, their week-long repreive from Batman has ended, and yes, the gansters are surely going to jail. But they made a man who wears a mask break his promise. A promise he made to gangsters, no less! This is a great victory for crime, and if all had gone to plan, the criminals would have drunk champagne from their Death Row cells, savoring every second of this sweet, sweet victory when they dropped the chance to kill Batman only to teach him a lesson.
And that’s just what might have happened…if not for Panel Five, where Batman lays down the mighty Hammer of Technicality.
Wow. Not only did we get a uselessly complicated story with this comic just to merit the use of a Flying Bat-Cave, but we learned something, too.
To read more whacked-out stories of Batman bending logic, space and time to thwart criminals in every sense of the word, check out “Batman: Secrets of the Batcave.”
